just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize