Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
