Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
