Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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