Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
In America we eat man semen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
