You're completely useless in the revolution.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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