he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
