yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
