Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
