Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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