i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
