sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize