Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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