brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
