well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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