I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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