YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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