Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
