ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
