After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
