After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
