Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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