If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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