P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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