Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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