I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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