The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
