He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
