Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
