I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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