you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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