dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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