i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
