She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
