In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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