you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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