I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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