I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So vagazzling was a success
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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