I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
