You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
