How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do vagina's smell?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
