if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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