My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
