youre lurking in front of me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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