Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
