I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
