it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
