Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
