Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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