Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
