it was like his penis was on wheels.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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