yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
