I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize