If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
