I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think my moral compass just broke
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
