I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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