I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
is that a dick in a sweater?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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